A Divided Heart Made Whole
Sam & Jake Rush, First Communion Staring Contest 2011
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau
Eye contact is essential to any relationship. You can’t fake it. The second I realize that I’m talking to someone who has her eyes averted or engaged elsewhere, I assume that she is not really listening to me. Don’t get me wrong, I do this myself. Usually it’s preoccupation with checking text messages, Instagram or watching the tv in a restaurant out of the corner of my eyes. We really know when a person is “all in” the conversation, don’t we? Maybe that’s why staring contests were so fun as kids. A friend and I would literally stare at each other until our eyes burned or we laughed, widening our eyes in the process. We didn’t want to be the one caught blinking as intense focus was the name of the game. Today, so many things distract us and cause us to avert our eyes. Our affinity for instant feedback and gratification keep us from the simple joys of prolonged connection and encounter.
Personal connection and encounter (even staring contests) take focus and intention. If our attention is divided, though, these moments will never reach their full potential. I want to focus with the intention of learning something new from personal interaction. If I only know half your story, or I can see only part of the whole picture, then I am missing out on important revelation. In a recent blog, I talked about how to live and pray with a whole heart. Let us now consider what prevents personal connection or divides our hearts.
My husband Doug and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. In 1996, we gave our whole hearts to one another. Since we began this adventure, we have both grown a great deal as individuals. We continue to learn, even today, how to hold and cherish one another as a married couple, as friends and companions. Has it always been so, in the last 25 years, that I have consistently given my whole heart to him without stopping, without hesitation? The reality is that there have been other commitments and preoccupations that I have turned toward, namely my children, my work or ministry and my own needs, great or small. We can’t escape the inevitability of living a life, often pulled in opposing directions.
A Divided Heart
I asked Doug to tell me his thoughts on wholeheartedness and our marriage. He said that it’s become clearer to him over the years that it is the return to our original commitment that truly matters. This has allowed Doug to return to our promise to help one another to become more and more the person God created us to be. For we can have distractions, some big and some small, that divide our hearts. One of Doug’s mentors, Dr. Joe Mamlin, used the metaphor of a three-legged stool during a conversation about how to find balance amidst one’s commitments. Each leg of this stool represents an important relationship that sustains one’s life, thus necessitating a balanced and engaged approach. These legs include our relationships with our work, our family and our God. Sometimes the balance is off, more weight is borne on one of the legs causing the stool to teeter to the side. One’s attention is pulled by a sick child, for example, or a huge project at work. A person’s spouse is in need of support during a crisis, taking time and attention away from work, or deadlines loom for a career move causing a parent to miss a child’s soccer game. The aim is to consider the three legs as interactive and connected, that all three areas of our lives are important and, as best we can, we take care to give each area the time it needs to be nurtured and to grow.
Doug also mentioned that the divided heart he felt as a young man in his 20s sometimes gave way to worry over how others perceived him. Today, Doug feels more at peace with who he is and the relationships he holds dear. I remember a pivotal moment, several years back when Doug and I were at a local restaurant sitting in a booth with our two young children and he looked at me and said, “This is all I need.” Time stood still in that space. Doug had found stability sitting on the three-legged stool, and he knew how to maintain the balance of his commitments without taking it for granted. I believe that what gave Doug the grace to say those words was God’s presence in his life and our marriage.
As in all things in life, I’ve been called back, time and time again, to return to that commitment, that covenant really, that Doug and I made on that warm December evening with the church still decked out for Christmas and a lopsided cake that succumbed to the heat. I was 24, he 25, and we were truly so young. Yet, I entered into that “yes,” that “I do,” with my whole heart. I still do, even on the days when patience runs dry or I can’t understand something said. We both return to our relationship every morning when we wake and at the end of every day. I would not say that I’ve never gone to bed unsettled, but I will say that we are committed to hashing out the conflicts, even if it means only coming to a better understanding of one another in the end. And when we desire what is most life-giving for one another, we can walk forward, together, even if our opinions differ.
In my life, I have faced my own divided heart as I seek others’ approval and praise, pleasing others and focusing on success in my work and ministry. In addition, with the effect of interaction on social media, I (along with many of us) face the reality of falling prey to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). This results in the constant, nonstop checking of our smartphones, reactions to a picture or thought we posted on Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, etc., emotional ups and downs dependent on others’ responses or lack of responses, and insecurity about what others may think. If I am distracted by these elements, it can sometimes prevent me from entering into relationships with my whole heart. I may be preoccupied with seeking approval and neglect the most important people in front of me.
Starting this blog, for example, has been one of the most vulnerable yet purposeful things I have ever undertaken. Pouring my heart, my whole heart, into these posts, and then sending them out into the social media universe takes a certain amount of letting go and welcoming others’ reactions, perspectives and critical eyes. I will strive to remember not to neglect my family or my personal relationship with God in the process. Unfortunately, it would be easy to ignore my relationship with God, when focusing on this blog, by not taking the time to pray daily or to read God’s Word.
Family, marriage and work are meant to help us in our other essential commitments in our lives. Yet, we discover that our intentions and desires to grow closer to God can often be relegated to the background. The challenge is to bring our relationship with God to the forefront of our attention. The three legs of the stool include work, family and God, according to Doug’s mentor, yet work and family take over much of our time and focus. So, unless we give the time needed to our relationship with God, the stool always ends up falling over. Sometimes, even though we think we are putting in the time for God, in reality our hearts are divided. We are averting our eyes from God, afraid to make eye contact because we don’t have the wherewithal to balance it all.
What Isaiah and Moses Have to Say
In 800 BCE, the Prophet Isaiah called out God’s people in Judah. He could very well have been talking to us today. “The Lord said: Because these people draw near with their mouths and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their worship of me is a human commandment learned by rote…The wisdom of their wise shall perish, and the discernment of the discerning shall be hidden.” (Isaiah 29:13,14b) So easily, we give lip service to our relationship to God, often as an afterthought.
When Moses presented the Ten Commandments to the Hebrews, he enjoined on them to “be careful to do what the Lord your God commanded…do not turn aside to the right or to the left.” (Deuteronomy 5:32) He then implored this commandment that has echoed throughout the centuries and reminds us over and over again to stay true to God alone with “Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.” (Deut 6:4-5) It is known as the greatest commandment, for the entire Law flows from it and subsequent Prophets espoused it. I think this is the key to giving our whole hearts to God.
The Hebrew people had a long history of polytheism which clearly divided their hearts. They were surrounded by cultures (i.e., Canaanites) who worshiped several gods, like Baal. The prophets constantly called the people back to worshiping the one true God who had delivered them from slavery under the Egyptian Pharoah.
Today, while we may not be tempted by gold idols, we can be tempted by other things. For the sake of this discussion, we’ll call these idols: prestige, power and possessions. In the midst of this, and despite it perhaps, our decision to follow Jesus would do well to be intentional and whole-hearted.
An Examination of Conscience
Join me as I consider what may divide my heart, preventing me from a whole-hearted response to discipleship. There are many ideas or questions that can be included. Here are some ways I am trying to hold myself accountable and with which I sometimes struggle:
Prestige: Do I worry about how others think of me? Do I wonder if I’m understood by others? Am I concerned that I am noticed, respected, adored, worthy of love, or recognized as having authority? Do I strongly desire to be admired or to be essential in this world? Do I need to be smart or clever in the eyes of others?
Power: Do I need to feel that I am the smartest person in the room? Do I always want to have the upper hand in a debate or conversation? Do I want to have a say in regards to who is allowed in, who is included, who is welcome to the “table,” in whatever form that may take (at church, school, in my community, etc.)? Do I feel superior to others who are different than me?
Possessions: Am I constantly looking for ways to fill a void in my life with things – clothes, the best and latest tech, etc.? Do I feel better when I own or collect more? Do I hoard certain things I am afraid of losing? Is it difficult to share what I have with people in need? Could I, in fact, simplify my life even just a little? Does my love of comfort and luxury prevent me at times from responding to others in need?
The Sacrament of Reconciliation
It is good, now and again, to experience an examination of conscience, whether to prepare for the Sacrament of Reconciliation or as a personal examination. It helps us to be true to our commitment to God along with our other important relationships.
In the second grade, I distinctly remember writing down my “sins” on a notecard to take with me when I spoke to Fr. Harris at my home parish to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time. As a 7-year-old I hardly knew what a sin was beyond lying, making fun of someone, hitting someone (like my brothers), or not going to church. And I remember not knowing what to write down, so I made up a story about hitting my younger brother because he stole my cookie. Yes, I lied. I didn’t know what else to do. I was seven.
I also have memories of the fear I would feel before sitting with a priest to confess my sins. It’s a good thing God knows all because I certainly didn’t confess everything, especially as I grew older. My view of reconciling myself to God has changed as I’ve matured in my faith. It is in the return, as my husband said, that the transformation takes place. I change the direction of where I am heading when I face God and ask for forgiveness. The Greek word, Metanoia, aptly encompasses the idea of turning back toward God and one’s conversion. I participate in the Sacrament of Reconciliation because it’s good to know when I’ve made a mistake, when I’ve turned my back on God, and to be honest about it and learn from it. Unfortunately, I felt a sense of shame instead of the love and mercy of God when I spoke to one priest in particular as a young adult. It’s a completely different thing when the feeling that lingers afterward is one of deep shame or embarrassment, instead of hope and a sense of renewal. I believe that, if someone hasn’t experienced the loving embrace of a merciful God, they aren’t able to communicate that to others. Like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), God is all-loving, all-merciful, and joyously awaiting our return to God’s loving embrace. Yes, every time. There are no “3 strikes and you’re out.” Our return to God, our turning back toward God (metanoia), is always a moment to celebrate.
Recently, I attended our parish’s communal reconciliation service. I admit it was my first time since the beginning of COVID. A certain priest in my diocese knows well how to pastor the people of God. I have never encountered such a warm, welcoming, loving sacramental experience than I have with this particular servant of God. Some would say that he’s done his “inner work” to heal and move beyond past hurts. I am so grateful for him and the gift he is in my life. Because of that love, I am able to return to God with my whole heart and soul. I pray you know, have known, or will know someone with his capacity to share the love and mercy of God. Often, that person is not a priest, but a mother, father, brother, sister, friend, spiritual director or even the written words of love found in scripture or other spiritual reading. God is present there, too, no doubt.
God is present in our prayer. Contemplative prayer ( AKA Prayer of the Heart, Centering Prayer) can help us to give our attention and intention to God who desires to connect with us in the secret room of our hearts (Matthew 6:6) through silent prayer. While there are endless ways to pray, it is in the silence of our hearts and minds that God speaks, opening wide our perspective of the world, giving us patience and understanding. It helps us to answer the question: When my mind is filled with distractions, a normal place to be, am I allowing God’s words to enter into my inner life, my heart, my soul, my very being?
May we find a way to embrace our lives, our commitments, our relationship with God with whole hearts. May we desire to make eye contact with the God who loves us and welcomes our return, time and time again. In the words of King David to his son, Solomon (10th century BCE), “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you.” (1 Chronicles 28:9)
Call to Action: In the Comments below, share what resonated with you from this reflection on divided hearts and how a balanced life and God can help to make our hearts whole.
Song for Contemplation: “Beautiful Things” sung by Gungor. Written by Lisa Gungor and Michael Gungor. Out of the dust God makes us new every day.
Video on Sacrament of Reconciliation: I am including a video by Breaking in the Habit that uses humor to describe how the Sacrament of Reconciliation (or what many call confession) can be a way to make our divided hearts whole. Fr. Casey gets to the heart of the matter. Do you see yourself in this video? I did!
